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After a 2-year relationship with an avoidant and emotionally erratic non-present person (who is,nevertheless, a wonderful human being) he suddenly snapped like someone possessed.
Kicked me out of the house we both paid rent for.
At 22h30.
Irrational, unprecedented and hurtful.
I spent the week working in pain.
Every time I bent down to pick a product,or reached up to take a box of simvastatin down from the shelf, my injuries reminded me of the greater injury that was betrayal.
I had to take ubers and buses back and forth to my aunt’s house. She lives 40km away from where I work. A stark contradiction to the regular 8km commute I was used to.
And through all of what he’d put me through : the lies, pretending to have feelings for me but telling his friends otherwise, losing it when I ask him whether he still wanted this relationship or not and calling ME the manipulator, the one who’s insecure…After all of the verbal and physical abuse. The emotional roller coaster. He still has the audacity to say,
” I love you”.
Rule number 1 :
- They will always say they love you. Not because they actually do or because they want to keep you around for convenience.They say this to soothe themselves. To silence their own guilt. Don’t believe anyone who says they love you until they prove it consistently.
- Get over it : everything you thought was real,was a lie. You’re not grieving loss, you’re grieving deceit and that’s a kind of grief that requires less tears and more transformation.
Rule number 2:
- Anything you think is a red flag is ALWAYS a red flag. Go,go,go as soon as you spot one.
- Get over it : realise you have a superpower called intuition. Everything in our bodies is chemical. You can smell, feel, taste when someone’s talking crap. When they try to confuse you with a “You’re wrong,I do love you” or a “Your insecurity is a turn-off” without even asking you where you’re coming from and trying to change or explain their actions that made you feel that way in the first place…take your gut-feeling very seriously. Your intuition was just proven to be correct,take it and run with it. You should use it more often.
Rule number 3:
- You deserve the love you expect
- You really do (this goes for both parties, for everyone)
- Get over it : If it doesn’t sit right with your soul, it’s literally because it isn’t right for your soul. Let go of your ego and of what you’re trying to make this relationship out to be. The longer we hold on to dysfunction, the longer we hold out on what works. That’s not fair towards ourselves. Even if the other party won’t admit it, if it doesn’t feel right to you, and they’re not even addressing your concerns – it’s because they’re not interested in making it work. Let it go.
Not everyone can be candid. Honest.
Simple as that. Some people are especially afraid to admit the truth to themselves. If you’re the brave one, make the call for both of you.
And getting over it is understanding what we did wrong. That’s different for each person. And it’s seldomly whatever the other person pointed out.
Mostly what we do wrong is :
-not honouring our intuition
-not respecting our needs in a relationship and communicating these with our partner (irrespective of how we think it’ll make them feel)
-trying to make falafel with baked beans…it’s not the same (come on, if it’s falafel you’re looking for, why are you holding out on the chickpeas??)
If you can own up to YOUR truth in the next relationship, regardless of whether the other person is able to do the same or not, your peace will always be protected. And when you meet the person who is willing to sit down and make room for your truth as well as share theirs with you – then that’s a person you can hit the long road with.
